HomeGlob NewsGREG GUTFELD: Stanford University is now the place for language castration

GREG GUTFELD: Stanford University is now the place for language castration

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I get it, I’d do the same thing if I were seated there. Happy Wednesday, everybody. It’s almost Christmas. Which means I better start that batch of cookies for Santa before it’s too late or before Larry Kudlow buys up all the butter. It’s weird, he doesn’t even bake. Let’s talk about language. 


On Monday, Stanford University, the poor man’s Chico State, published a language guide which, “Aims to eliminate harmful language, including racist, violent and biased language,” this is redundant, “in Stanford websites and code.” Of course, they ignore the most harmful words of all, your tuition for this will —- be 60-grand a year. The bad words came in several categories, like ablest, culturally appropriative, gender based, imprecise language and institutionalized racism. Thankfully, there’s nothing in there about knock knock jokes like this one. Knock knock. 

AUDIENCE: Who’s there?

—- you Stafford. So, that’s one swear word. So under the ableist category, instead of using basket case, say nervous, apparently basket case once referred to a limbless person who must be carried around in a basket. I didn’t know that, and I, funny, I see myself as a basket case since I commuted one on Bill Hemmer’s bicycle. Instead of walk-in hours, say open hours to be more inclusive with those with disabilities. Of course, they didn’t factor in this man’s feelings. Get it. Walken, for Walken.

TYRUS: Solid.

Thank you. Under imprecise language, instead of using the term American, say, U.S. citizen. That’s because American implies the U.S. is the most important country in the Americas. When we all know it’s really Canada. But even US citizens, that’ll be imprecise by the time Biden’s done, half the people in America won’t be one. Yeah. Ooh. Red meat. Yum. Yum. Instead of Karen, use demanding or entitled White woman.

TYRUS: That’s worse.

But isn’t using White a new form of institutionalized racism? Imagine if it were reversed, instead of saying, Maxine, you say demanding or entitled Black woman, you’d be canceled faster than a Chris Wallace talk show.


TYRUS: Never over.

Yeah. Don’t say straight, say heterosexual. Because it implies anyone who is gay is bent and therefore not normal. Especially if they have Peyronie’s disease. I never should have tried to hop that fire hydrant in 1989, but now they have great drugs. They say, that commercial is on Fox all the time, they show a bent banana, people know what I’m talking about.

TYRUS: It’s a carrot.

Right, it’s a bent banana. It’s a carrot, banana is already bent Greg. They say to swap peanut gallery with audience or hecklers or critics instead, because the term refers to cheap seats in theaters where Blacks sat during the vaudeville era. It’s true, but George Washington Carver also made the peanut popular worldwide. But hey, Stanford, thanks for bringing up something that most Black or White people didn’t even know was racist and then giving us something else to fight about 90-years later. Thank you so much. That’s okay. I don’t need the applause. I’m healthy. 


Don’t say thug, say suspect or criminal, because that’s racist and thugs have feelings even as they mug you. Hell, let’s just start calling them gentlemen. Did you see that gentleman sucker punch, that 80-year-old Asian lady? I hope that gentleman doesn’t rape again once they let him out. Are you happy now Stanford. Speaking of racism, no more brown bag, just say lunch and learn. So now you can’t call brown things brown like a bag or a suit or your hair, or do I have to refer to my shoes as lunch colored? Which they are, when I get too drunk. 

A general view of the buildings of the Main Quadrangle and Hoover Tower on the campus of Stanford University.
(David Madison/Getty Images)

I wonder if Hefty will have to change the name of their bags. Hefty, I mean, think about who that offends. Hefty, hefty, hefty, remember that. Black sheep is out to be replaced by outcast, which is great if you’re in the Taliban. It’s less embarrassing to say you’re screwing an outcast. Also, you got to replace gangbusters with very successful, because even MS-13 needs a safe space. And instead of calling someone chief, why not just use their name? So, like, instead of saying, how are you doing, Chief? Just say hello, Ms. Warren. Yeah. Probably should end there, but I won’t. 


You’re not supposed to say preferred pronouns, it’s just pronouns because preferred implies that non-binary gender is a preference. So now it’s not a preference. So we’re back to being born that way. But then, if you’re born that way, why would you use surgery to undo how you were physically and healthily born? At least you can see your biology with your eyes. I’m thinking the pronoun for whoever made these rules is dumb ass. Instead of ballsy, you say bold or risk taker. How ironic, in that changing ballsy is exactly the opposite of being bold. It’s language, castration and Stanford is now the place for eunuchs. Finally, another word Stanford doesn’t like stupid. Instead, say boring or uncool, but I prefer saying Stanford.

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