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We’d like to take a moment to say goodbye to one of our all-time favorite members of Congress, Mr. Adam Kinzinger of Kankakee, Illinois, ladies and gentlemen. Kinzinger was first elected to the House 12 years ago, and for the bulk of his time in office, he served utterly without distinction, in virtual anonymity. A few of his constituents had heard of him, but none expressed interest in learning more. Then in 2018 came the transformation. That was the year that Adam Kinzinger turned 40 and things began to change inside of him.
The first signs were subtle but unmistakable: choking up at a car insurance commercial, opening an Instagram account and posting pictures of himself, wearing spandex bike shorts to Starbucks without shame and sometimes, with a fanny pack. By 2021, Kinzinger had a full-blown case of male menopause with all the familiar, painful symptoms: mood swings, hot flashes, food cravings, uncontrollable weeping.
A lesser man would have retreated from public life, chosen new pronouns and transitioned in private, but Adam Kinzinger chose another path. He chose to be a role model. He wanted other middle-aged men to know there is life after hormonal imbalance, and so on July 27, 2021, Adam Kinzinger bravely came out of the closet as a weepy man. You may remember the moment.
ADAM KINZINGER: I never expected today to be quite as emotional for me as it has been, but you guys won. You guys held. You know, democracies are not defined by our bad days.
Imagine the courage that took. “Yes, I am emotionally incontinent. Yes, I am utterly irrational. No, I will not be silent.” In Washington, Kinzinger’s performance was considered deeply inspirational. Here’s a man who has no control of himself at all, so we’d better put him in charge of important things. Kinzinger quickly became regarded as an essential voice on foreign policy. When the world hangs in the balance, you want a guy who cries a lot.
For his part, Kinzinger demonstrated a remarkable ability to make any situation on the planet, no matter how complex or weighty, all about him: diplomacy by narcissism. Here he was yesterday on the House floor in his final, yes, emotion-laden address.
KINZINGER: History has proven that American isolation from the world affairs is dangerous. Over the years, I’ve been privileged to lead the effort on supporting American leadership in a world drowning in faux strongmen, advocating for the rights of Syrian men, women and children to live without fear of Assad’s death squads shouldn’t be political. This is simply the right thing to do. Advocating for stronger American assistance in Ukraine to counter Putin’s illegal invasion shouldn’t be political. That’s just the right thing to do.
Yeah, it’s just the right thing to do. See, the world actually isn’t complicated. In fact, the world is simple. It’s like an original, made-for-TV movie on Lifetime, the kind where you burn through two bags of Skinny Pop just trying to keep your tears in check. If Adam Kinzinger is doing something in a foreign country with guns, by definition, it’s “just the right thing to do,” like in Syria. Kinzinger’s often expressed concern for Syria’s men, women and children is what matters and because that concern matters so much, Kinzinger has pushed hard to continue the neocon proxy war in Syria.
Results? Syria now has no economy left and there’s a massive cholera outbreak in progress. Men, women and children are dying in huge numbers because it’s just the right thing to do. Same in Ukraine.
Kinzinger made that clear the other day when he responded personally to a Twitter account called “Catturd” because when you’re one of Washington’s leading authorities on foreign policy, you spend a lot of time on Twitter reading accounts with names like “Catturd.”
So, the other day, “Catturd” made the mistake of posting a meme that seemed to mock the colors of the Ukrainian flag, colors that are sacred to Adam Kinzinger and every other empathetic soccer mom in her mid-40s. You can imagine how offensive that was. It was like telling an off-color joke about Meghan Markle. It could not stand — and so alone and battling debilitating hot flashes in this kitchen, fighting the urge to open yet another bag of Chips Ahoy!, Adam Kinzinger fought back. “Literal evil,” he wrote in a late-night response to “Catturd.” “If I met you in person, it would not end well… for you. Sicko.”
Woah, hear, that, “Catturd”? It will not end well for you. It’s not a pillow fight Adam Kinzinger is talking about. That’s a full-on slap fight with hair-pulling. This is real. You’d better apologize. Our heart goes out to “Catturd” tonight, who is probably cowering in a litter box somewhere, waiting for Adam Kinzinger to show up with sharpened nails. Mock the Ukrainian flag, get scratched. Those are the rules, “Catturd.” It’s a tough town. Meow!
Speaking of how it will all end, how’s it going to end for Adam Kinzinger? Well, we suspect it will end like it began, in anonymity. In just weeks, Adam Kinzinger will be another CNN contributor. No one will ever see him again, but we will never forget him. Adam Kinzinger will live forever in our hearts as an example of what a man can be when he stops trying to be a man and unleashes the emotionally fragile, divorced, single mom within. “Have another glass of chardonnay. Listen to me cry.” Yes, Ms. Kinzinger, we will. So, here it is one last time:
KINZINGER: I never expected today to be quite as emotional for me as it has been, but you guys won. You guys held. You know, democracies are not defined by our bad days.
Au revoir, Adam Kinzinger. See you at SoulCycle.