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Happy Thursday, everybody. Yeah, almost Friday. It’s a fun day, too. So it’s one of those special nights for us when we let you, the audience, choose the monologue topic. Nobody else does this. It’s a segment that we call.
ANNOUNCER: The audience decides the story.
Kind of redundant at this point. I mean, I had already said that, but the rules are this. I tell you two topics and the stronger clap determines which story we’re going to choose. FYI, this is exactly how my parents determined who got fed at dinner. Now hold your clapping until I tell you both topics okay. So the first story, the inflation rate, as you know, is a critical measure of an economy’s health. Therefore, understanding how it correlates to other economic measures in a stable economy might help us comprehend these inflationary cycles. Alright, so the second topic, what the hell is up with a trans high-school shop teacher in Canada with giant inflatable boobs?
Wait, don’t clap. You guys can’t follow the rules. You’re going to have to do it all over again. Alright, so let’s compare, the story one on inflation? You don’t count Tyrus. Story two, also on inflation? Alright, settle down, you perverts. So the audience decides giant breasts wins by a nipple. I admit the contest was a bust, but that means it’s time for.
ANNOUNCER: If it happens up there. We report down here. You’re watching Gazoombagate, Canada 2023. Week 13.
Man. This story is getting bigger and bouncier and like Dagen’s old report cards there’s a lot of Ds. So as a favor of people who just tuned in for the first time. Here is a quick recap.
GUTFELD: She was once a he began identifying as female last year and started wearing massive prosthetic breasts to class… The school board still stands behind the teacher. No other choice… In the unlikely event of a water emergency landing, your shop teacher can be used as a flotation device… We’re the only show that keeps diligent tabs on the Ontario transgender teacher with the oversize prosthetic breasts and saucer sized nipples… Is this truly a trans teacher or is it a prank that’s gotten way out of hand… How about a little common sense, women don’t even look like that in my dreams… The shop teacher was recently pictured in all her immense booberie, skydiving.
Exactly, so what happened? What’s happened since then? Well, parents of the Oakville Trafalgar High School students have hired a lawyer to begin legal proceedings against the district school board. They’re frustrated with the board’s lack of transparency, unlike the teacher’s sweater. And they’re fearful of the growing threats of violence against the school over the overt sexual attire of a transgender teacher, so they took action.
Students First Ontario, that’s the group numbering in the hundreds, said parents have followed board protocol initially taking their concerns to school administration, and the board and directly to their trustees. But the board stands by its official statement in response to the teacher’s large prosthetic and braless breasts. As always, the board, “is committed to establishing and maintaining a safe, caring, inclusive, equitable and welcoming learning and working environment for all students and staff.” And oh, yeah, did we mention we love giant —-? I don’t think that was in there.
Students are also being threatened with suspension if they photograph the teacher. That’s interesting. And yet here we are, the only show covering this surreal, thought-provoking story. And why, is it because I’m obsessed? No, maybe I just need to get this off my chest. You see, a parent at this school is in a no win situation. It’s like a meeting where the only two empty seats are on either side of Brian Kilmeade, lose, lose. You just see him sitting there. Trans-teacher is either trolling the school or demanding protection for a fetish masquerading as a non-binary trait.
But if that costume is then welcomed, why not any behavior? What stops a teacher from putting a giant prosthetic penis in their pants? Don’t think I haven’t thought of that. You didn’t know this, but I teach Intro to Twerking at the local junior college and I need all the help I can get. So you can take your private fetish public, and as long as you portray yourself as a target of hate, it works. What if the principal is a dominatrix? Kids will have to take their whipping or get called a bigot, which will mean more whipping. Now, what if we just ignored this story? Well, then we allow the non-science of gender activism to unleash public fetishism on all of us. The inmates will be running the asylum, and it will look that way with all the bondage.
I mean, what if you have a fetish? What keeps you from sharing it at work? Telling Geraldo to cover up that thong would get me called to H.R.. Ducy would turn ‘Fox & Friends’ into a furry convention. And what of the shop teacher? You think the whirling razor sharp teeth of a table saw would be enough of a deterrent to keep mammary glands biggie from the classroom? No, not at all. What if my fetish is flashing? It’s not much different than a man slapping on giant breasts with nipples the size of frozen pizza.
So why can’t I wander the halls in an open robe if that expresses my true self? It’s true, I always wanted to be Charlie Rose.