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Happy Tuesday, everybody. Yeah, it’s Tuesday. I love Tuesday, too. Now, this is typically the time of the year when there’s not much news to talk about. I mean, unless someone decides to burn down our Christmas tree again. But I think Chris Wallace is out of town this year. Shame he blamed it on that homeless guy.
But frankly, lots of people who work in the news aren’t working. Honestly, Dana has been phoning it in for weeks. Shannon Bream has been too busy stealing kids’ toys. She is evil. It’s weird. You notice that trend when all the news people are away, away goes the news as well? And what’s being called news right now is even crappier than usual. Like the Jan. 6 committee show trial. They literally hired an ABC producer to shellac that diarrhea. I like that image.
This week, the House Select Committee voted that former President Trump should face criminal charges over Jan. 6. Here’s the former president when he heard the news.
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So is this really news? No. It’s the least surprising thing since I was voted to be the cover of FNC’s 2022 Hottest Male Anchors calendar. Take that, Hemmer. There’s a new sheriff in town and his chaps are made of leather. But you hear both the media and the White House agree. Jan. 6 was the worst thing since the Civil War. But I bet Lincoln wishes the worst thing that happened to him was that someone just stole his podium. He was shot. We have a lot of young people in the audience. True, January 6 was just like the Civil War to AOC because she wasn’t at either.
Anyway, the fake panel recommended the Justice Department charge Trump with insurrection, obstruction of an official proceeding, making false statements to investigators and conspiracy to defraud the US government. They left out the JFK assassination. But all of this is B.S. on its face, which I hear keeps Pelosi’s skin looking young. Just rub it in if you can handle the smell. But this whole vote is the least shocking thing in politics since Epstein was found dead in his cell and Hillary was seen leaving the scene on a broom. The most shocking thing in politics was when Bernie Sanders accidentally peed on his neighbor’s electric cattle fence. Not as fun as it looked.
Of course, the committee was the most lopsided mob since the villagers went after Frankenstein. They made it one-sided for a reason. That’s how a third-hand account of Trump attacking Secret Service from the backseat of an SUV suddenly becomes evidence. The only two Republicans on the panel were Liz and Adam. But calling those two Republicans, it’s like calling the WNBA professional basketball.
NARRATOR: A sexist would say!
Disgusting. Here is Liz and Adam talking about Trump.
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Wow. The whole thing was as pointless as they are because not only are Republicans expected to dissolve this committee when they take control of the House, those two wet windbags, they’re on their way out. They’ll be switching parties like my New Year’s guests do when Kilmeade shows up. Cheney lost her primary to Harriet Hageman by 37 points. I haven’t seen a blow out like that since Hegseth had his bangs done. And Kinzinger is retiring. Perhaps, to audition for a more feminine voice on “The View.” And both want to run for President. I say, “May the best girl win.” I kid, of course.
But they are jerks because they’re disgusted by half the country. You know, the good half. And they’re willing to salt the wounds of voters because Trump wasn’t their best friend. So they’ll cleave a country by pushing jail for Trump. Meanwhile, you also have the White House echoing their sentiment.
KARINE JEAN-PIERRE: What we saw on January 6 was the worst attack on our democracy since the Civil War. Our democracy continues and remains under threat.
Hmm. What’s it say when two Republicans sound like Cringe Jean-Paul. Oh, it works. Cringe. Cringe Jean-Paul. This is going to stick. But it does make me long for the honesty of Jen Psaki. But it’s obvious that Jan. 6 is their therapy and nothing more. Because as a criminal referral, it doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t obligate feds to bring a case, meaning the hearing was simply a political vendetta disguised as a hearing, but turned into a show trial. And once again, this isn’t any more surprising than our president huffing a bottle of Johnson and Johnson “No More Tears” shampoo. Just a piece of fake news in a week where the networks take what they can get. And they took it because they’re already on vacation from reality.