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Happy Tuesday. Oh, yes. I love you. I love every single one of you. I love every single one of you, even the unattractive ones. I love you even more. You’ve been through a lot being so ugly. Alright, it’s time to get excited because we’re doing this.
NARRATOR: The audience decides the story!
Now, typically, I only give the audience two topics, but tonight I’m feeling generous and I propose a three-way. Why waste the Viagra, am I right? So I’ll present each choice and then you’ll applaud. And the one that gets the most hooting and hollering wins. You know, it’s like a wet T-shirt contest at your local Cracker Barrel. Why did they stop that?
Topic one. Sweden could follow in America’s footsteps and spiral into a recession because their GDP has shrunken more than expected. As you know, Sweden is famous for producing Ann-Margret and wood. Who likes that one? Alright, not into Sweden. It’s too bad we had that ABBA medley ready to go. Topic two, a story we’ve barely covered. The Canadian trans teacher with fake breasts so huge, the cupsize is Himalayas. Not bad. Not bad. Okay, that’s good. That’s good. Now onto topic three. Elon Musk will be here on set to share a discovery of a substance that will cure aging, cancer and virtually all other diseases. It could triple our lifespans, and it’s free to everyone. Holy crap. Wow.
GREG GUTFELD: WE NEED TO CHASE THIS COVID LAB LEAK STORY DOWN
That’s amazing. Alright, looks like Elon and the aging cure is the winner here. Sorry, My producer, just being told in my ear that the bad weather has canceled Elon’s flight. Yeah, he can’t make it. He can’t make it. Well, son of a b*tch, looks like Captain ******* wins. That was a close one. So what’s the latest on the high school woodshop teacher whose favorite project is always a giant rack? Hit it.
NARRATOR: If it happens up there, we report down here. You’re watching Gazoombagate: Canada 2023. Week 24.
Ontario’s Halton District School Board has finally adopted a new policy regarding Kayla Lemieux and her cartoonish knockers. Now, for those of you just hearing about this story, I’m sorry for your loss. So here’s a recap.
GREG GUTFELD: She was once a he began identifying as female last year and started wearing massive prosthetic breasts to class. The school board still stands behind the teacher. No other choice. The Post obtained photos of Lemieux outside a school without the breasts, dressed as a man. He tells the Post he’s not transgendered at all, but was born intersex. And they’re due to a rare medical condition called gigantomasia. It’s a word I had to Google and then keep doing an image search for several hours.
Well, after months of parental outrage, global attention and cravings for dairy, the school board has released a so-called professionalism policy for parent review, but it contains no details on dress for teachers. And you thought our school boards were filled with idiots? Get a load of what these geniuses came up with. Quote, “The purpose of this policy is to consolidate and affirm existing expectations regarding staff professionalism, including dress and decorum at board and school settings and at school based activities… focusing on the importance of demonstrating through personal presentation, respect for public education, and each student’s right to learn in a safe, inclusive and accepting environment.” Jesus. That’s basically the only spot in the entire document that mentions dress. And I should know I made a minimum wage intern read the policy several times while waxing my back. That’s a mistake.
Yet nowhere in that mismatch of respect, inclusivity, safety and more Canadian-level politeness does it say, “And don’t strap on a pair of knobs that could breastfeed King Kong and Godzilla.” The policy is supposed to be presented to the board on Wednesday, but without a dress code for employees like Kayla, what good will it do other than provide this show and this audience with another year’s worth of great content? I’m starting to think these school administrators watch this show, and love basking in the limelight. Surely the same school that has a dress code for Halloween would have a dress code for every other damn day.
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But it all boils down to what I’ve been saying for a while. Kayla could be the greatest troll in the history of trolls. So as the teacher proved her point or rather points, Kayla could be exposing, among other things, the lunacy of the woke agenda a world where no one dare criticize her, much less pass a dress code policy without fear of being labeled a transphobe. He’s calling their bluff with breasts the size of boulders, and everybody pretends he’s legit, even when the proof is staring you in the face like a pair of plastic areolas. Or as I call them, “scary-olas.”
Remember we called it before. This is a costume and it’s worn only at certain times. It’s fetishistic. And I’m still shocked that there is no social media footprint of this teacher before his transition. I mean, what are the odds of that? A person at the center of a crazy stunt never been on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, TikTok. And what about his family or his friends? It’s so quiet, you could hear a boob drop. Of course, Kayla really could be flat out bonkers as she told The New York Post recently she’s not wearing fake breasts. They’re real. Although Brian Stelter told The Post the same thing when they saw him at a Holiday Inn pool in Yonkers. Wear a T-shirt, Brian.
But no, they aren’t real. You have a bigger chance than a pair of Chinese spy balloons floated off course and into her sweater. So ultimately, I may go to my grave never knowing the real story behind those Titanic ****. But I’d rather die seeking the truth than live in the shadows of those giant, magnificent bosoms.