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Happy Tuesday, everybody. Calm down, everybody. So let’s talk about the arrest of Sam Bankman-Fried, a.k.a mashed potato ****.
It’s already starting. He couldn’t hide forever. I mean, especially when you look like a cross between Mark Cuban, a Cross Your Heart bra and a wad of pubic hair. It’s getting worse. He was scooped up in the Bahamas on Monday and is accused of defrauding investors out of billions. Charges include wire fraud, securities fraud, money laundering. Fortune called him the next Warren Buffett. But in their defense, it’s a common name. That joke deserved a better laugh. Thank you. It really is a good joke. Screw everybody.
Let’s recap what this clown did. Since launching in May 2019, his cryptocurrency firm, FTX, raised $1.8 billion by promoting itself as a safe platform for trading assets. But it turns out that was as safe as finding a suitable dating partner on a subway platform. By the way, cryptocurrency is Latin for “not real money.” He then diverted those funds to another company without telling anyone, and from there, he made a bunch of undisclosed investments, lavish real estate purchases, huge political donations to Democrats in time for the midterms, of course. And worse, not once did he consider breast reduction surgery. He could have used the fat to make soap. And then he could have used the soap.
But instead, he’s going to be the most popular guy in a cell block. He’s going to get passed around like me when I dress up like a plate of potato skins. And I do. You know, I kind of wish I knew him in high school. I would have made it to second base.
Still, the whole time he was telling investors, including celebrities hypnotized by his cleavage, that it truly was the safest investment. But then it imploded. FTX filed for bankruptcy, leaving millions of people unable to access their funds. And the pyramid scheme was exposed like Sam’s D-cups in a wet T-shirt contest. Meanwhile, actual pyramids are like, “Hey, humans, leave us out of this. And go slaves.” Don’t knock the pyramids. If I could afford it, I’d do the same thing for my grave. You know, they say you can’t take it with you, but how does anyone know that?
But I feel bad for Bankman because we have a lot in common. For one, we both pretend to donate money and we’re both polyamorous. Although, I sleep with people. But this whole thing is a lesson in why it’s good to trust your instincts when it seems like someone’s more full of crap than Ana Navarro’s bidet after Cinco de Mayo. That was hard to say. Thank you. You applaud over the meanest things.
And you know someone is full of it when they virtue signal. He says he’s vegan. Sure. He got that fat eating vegetables. It’s not possible. But that’s the armor they don to protect themselves from exposing their real motives. See: Black Lives Matter. Fact is, anyone who saw this video a while back knew something was up.
NAS DAILY: Sam is not a traditional billionaire because he believes in the concept of “earn to give.”
SAM BANKMAN-FRIED: Earning to give is thinking about which causes, which charities save the most lives per dollar.
NAS DAILY: Next year, he’s planning to donate $500 million a year. And next decade, he will probably give away more than $10 billion. And he is funding everything you can think of. Global warming.
SAM BANKMAN-FRIED: It’s one of the biggest problems that we have to tackle together as a world.
NAS DAILY: COVID-19 preparedness.
SAM BANKMAN-FRIED: We have to be ready for the next pandemic.
NAS DAILY: And of course, animal welfare.
SAM BANKMAN-FRIED: Animals deserve to live just like we do. It’s also why I’m vegan.
He’s like a live-action Ernie from “Sesame Street.” Even a fifth-grader could watch that and think “There’s no way I’m giving a dime to this old cafeteria lady with saggy boobs.” But as recently as last week, this knucklehead was still posturing.
SAM BANKMAN-FRIED: Look, I screwed up. Like, I was CEO. I had a responsibility here. I had a responsibility to be on top of what was going on on the exchange. I wish I had done much better at that. From my understanding, there were documents drafted up, you know, by legal, that were covering what was happening. And, you know, frankly, I have sort of a tendency to be involved in many things. To be, you know, spread thin sometimes.
Spread thin? Every time I see him, I think of the slow motion opening of “Baywatch.” I still do, as a matter of fact. And what of the suspicious timing of his arrest? He was supposed to testify before Congress this week. There, he would have been grilled like a half-pound patty at George Foreman’s house. But now, he’s exempt. Now his Democrat beneficiaries are off the hook, like the whale trappers who threw back Joy Behar. Why? No! Don’t egg on my writers.
So once again, the public gets nothing. Was he spared because he has a history of donating millions to Democrat campaigns? Well, does a bear crap in the woods? Or a human who identifies as a bear? We can’t say for sure. But hell, I will. After all, I’m a commentator, not an anchor. I could tie this whole thing to cattle mutilations if I want to. Tucker is not the only one who cares about cow crime.
But maybe he’s being spared because he was their kind of Democrat. So they look the other way faster than Hannity when I ask him to shave my back. Unlike Elon Musk, who the Dems deem evil, even though he’s trying to help shareholders, not bilk them. But that’s how Dems treat someone who’s fighting child porn. I guess they prefer their billionaires to be phony leftists instead of real people doing real stuff. If only someone would have questioned what this fraud was up to three years ago when he started this mess. But they were too busy trying to destroy another billionaire who was doing real stuff for the American people.